Your Guy's Ex Girlfriend

Why he borke up with you and is married to me
a list
to Susie

1. Make-up. Try it. There is a limit on how much you can wear...but not wearing any with skin like yours? That is a no no. Acne is to be treated and/or hidden. Not put on display so that when I look at you I feel the need to eiether shower or buy you some powder.

2. Fashion Sense. This is not something to be over looked. Espeically living in the super trendy city that you, unfourtunently, live in. That plastic ring that you always wear? I wore that in eighth grade...which was 10 years ago. Or how about that dress you wore to our wedding(yea, I made the mistake of thiking she was OK and invited her. STUPID!) that hideous blue thing that looked like something my great grandma wore on her funeral? Don't even get me started on the Sears-esq shoes you sported.

3. Big Words. Are for vocabulary class and work. Not talking to your peirs. Gues what bitch? I got an A+ in College Vocab too, but you dont see me running aroud with a thesaurus trying to find a bigger, more impressive word for "the." Get over yourself. No one likes a show off.

4. Fuck...and That's Hot! (Yes...she says Thats Hot) I cuss. I will say the occasional F-bomb...but every other word? This coming from the same girl who just used the word phthsis is a sentense. Leave "That's Hot" to Paris Hilton you wanna be. Even Paris Hilton dresses better than you. I hate the girl, but I would rather drink bellini's with her anyday over you sorry ass.

5. Emailing and calling my husband and saying "Love you!" Ahem...if he loved you he would have married you! My guess is he got sick of looking at the world's homliest girl when he could have someone of far better stature. He does not need you and you, although you think it, do not need him. Get over it. I don't give two shits if you don't have alot of friends...that is so your problem. Maybe you should stop trying to speak like you are a Dawson's Creek episode and more friends would stick around. Hell, you may even be able to get a boyfriend who wont leave!

6. Flirting with my Husband...IN FRONT OF ME! That was the line crosser there. I tried to be nice to you. I went out to lunch with you, I emailed you and made plans for a movie. I even had you at our WEDDING! And what do you do at my wedding besides dress poorly? Flirt with my husband, eat off his plate, hug him for far too long, try and butter up all his friends...who hate you...??? What the hell is your problem? Get a life. No one wants someone like you around...seek change.

I wrote her an email, so she knows that I think all this. And what did she do? Call my husband to "talk about" it and he finally told her to...nicely...fuck off. So for now the bitch is gone, but with a mind set of insanity who knows when she will pop up again.

Girls...DONT PUT UP WITH EX'S LIKE THIS! You so do not deserve it.

Later

One in One Billion?

This is pathetic, I am aware of that. So you telling me that it is, well, is rude. Here I go...last night I was BORED out of my mind and unable to sleep. So, i went to eharmony.com and took this personality test...which I have taken THRICE in the past. So, after the HOUR long test, it informed me that, for the third time, there were no compatible matches for me at this time...Ok, they have a database of SIX million people and you mean to tell me I am so screwed up that I can't even be compatible with one other human on this site? Not that I would eer even do anything about it, but it would be nice to know that my odds are better than 1 in 6 million. That is a tad bit depressing. And what do I do when I am depressed? A little place called taco Bell...

Pee on this...

">this is stupid. a pregnancy test, online? Right. Go take it just for shits cause I did and there is a 9% chance I am pregnant and that make me laugh.

My Kids are Going to Rule

My sister works at this daycare and she comes home with all these insane stories of these kids and there crazy parents. So, it was today that I made the desicion that my kids are going to be far better than anyone else's children. How will I do this? Here is my plan...

1.The moment they start walking, they will be enrolled in a KICK ASS kung fu class. Here they will learn to kick everyone's ass. Not only kids their own age, but adults that insult them as well. This class will enstill the power king fu has over people in my kids and they will never be the brunt of any beat down.
2. I will also enroll them in some sort of top secret agency that trains kids to be assasians and/or a spy. Here they will learn to read minds. Now, if some one is talking crap about them, they can hear it and use their KUNG FU. No one will shit talk my kids.
3. My children willl wear nothing but the best in clothing. No Care Bear tee's for my offspring, not Ninja Turtle shoes eiether. The ONLY "character" allowed on their clothing will be Batman, and that is only cause he is their father. Other wise, it would be tacky.

Now, this is all assuming I actually HAVE children. At this point, the idea of marriage makes me want to VOMIT, but kids are pretty funny. Maybe I will just buy a few...Oh, if you know of a spy school that is taking on new students, let me know.